Thin red line

Thin red line, is yours in line?

It pushes or pulls you from one side to the other.

Which side would you rather?

The thinning of that line, that gets real fine.

Hanging in there, not knowing where.

Pushing it away, pulling it no way.

Thin red line, is yours doing fine?

Pains I am Used To

Pains, mental, emotional, physical, any of these you are experiencing?The three categories have been with me, tagging along, sometimes they surface in a more solid form. How do I deal with them? Hee, I choose to recognise them, provide solutions, or simply ignore them.

Mentally, things that are stressing me hunt me, things I want to forget, floating like clouds I can never get rid. Of course, some are beyond my control. It's a matter of how strong I can fight in my state of mind. Being homesick, is it a state of mental pain?

Emotionally, one of the toughest for me. Being "emo, emorer and emorest", I am at my weakest most of the times. Fighting the battle in a solo state. Game over? Tried trying. Game over again? Tried trying again. It goes on, part of life. It helps each to grow. I guess I am in that state of not being able to feel in certain aspects. *laughs* Being away from home, I know those who care worry, hope the best for me. Me being me, I seldom confide in people. I believe in solving my own instead of adding to other's. Is that being independent? Of course, there are times, I really wish there is a soulmate to share my ups and downs. The soulmate - still in the midst of fog. *shrugs* Or maybe never going to be there... My heart goes out to those I miss back home too. Sometimes, the missing goes beyond control and pain. As much as I want to be there for many of them, all I can do is be here as much as they are for me. Thanks to technology, distance is not total silence. However, that lack of something is always in the air.

Physically, my back problem is causing limited movements, restricted routines these recent few times. After work, I simply feel the pain and strain. I insist till now not to visit the doctor for I fear the outcome and I am stone stubborn. With my work schedule that is coming up in March, it seems to be encouraging me to go for a good visit. I can forsee the consequences. Ouch-me-Ouch. Laying down in bed with my lappie is the best I can live on now.

Pains I am used to, how long can I bear with all?
Signs of me giving up ringing, waving and waking me up.
I guess this entry is really transparent, showing the other side of the cheerful me. No worries all, Bibi can do it, if she wants to! Just an outlet here to pour for I am not in a good state for now, just temporary.
Life is short, moments gone, moments to become.
Pains I am used to, go and come.

Fading

The rainbow colours, fading.

The sound of music, fading.

The painted pictures, fading.

All that were there, fading.

Energy to survive, fading.

Energy to revive, fading.

Energy for drive, fading.

All that was there, fading.

That figure in that shadow, fading.

That familiar voice, fading.

That fond touch, fading.

All that were there, fading.

Emptiness of everything surfacing,

Filled with tinted colouring.

What is it becoming,

When all of everthing is fading?

MSN is a bitch!

I could not log onto MSN after a few hours of my lalaland. I cannot believe this is happening again. I could not even access it through www.ebuddy.com or www.meebo.com! What is happening here? Am I really that down with luck?
Just a note to vent.....................!!!!!!!!!!!! AHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BITCH BIATCH BOTCH!

Solo

Here I am again, solo, after struggling to sleep, work and smile. The struggle to sleep was due to my stuffy nose and that irritable throat. Not getting the hours again, I had to go to work sleepy. Dragged myself to draw on my "must-smile-at-work" face, I finally reported. The people I met at work this time was not too bad. Except for one fellow colleague who tries to act busy and a rude "E.T." Acting busy was not something I could tolerate at work this time. I put my foot down and "requested" him to work. I shall spare the details but I was glad I voiced out in a professional manner, yeshhhhhh, and with a smile. Rude "E.T." was not in my control. I don't speak his language, I am not directly or indirectly the cause of it. He just had to accept the fact of his poor plannng!
I dozed off while I made my way to the resting nest and for my first dose of "need", after a long half day. Friends from home started to go home, went on dates, when I started work. They should all be sleeping with sweet dreams now. In a few hours, they will be awake and I will probably crash in this big comfy bed with six pillows! Pillows that are so fluffy and soft! That sounds good but for a sleepless baby like me, it just brings me comfort as I solo away in another foreign land. Now I am with my lappie, seeking comfort in the pillows and my dosage of "need" continues.
Solo days and nights have become a part of my life. Just hoping days of being so solo will end soon, real soon....

Longing

I can hardly describe my feelings ever since I came back to base. I cannot categorise it. That sadness hidden but not totally. That longing keeps churning in me madly. The lonely me, the me with me. Just me?
Memories of the times back home keep flashing and brought me smiles. Those people, events and places, I keep them in mind and heart. They are the sunshines of my life. That longing to be back in their arms is my worst craving in life!
I keep longing for that comfort I can seek from no where and no one else. I keep longing for that safe and real environment I can be in. Oh no, am I real here or just wasting my time trying hard to be as real as possible?
Positive, be positive, see positive, think positive! How positive can one be when all that surrounds you is empty, without the substance that keeps you going?
I really think it is high time for me to be home - a place I can be me, just me..... I don't want to miss so many people, things and events that mark good memories. Am I missing out on too much, too many?

Longing...

What can I do with this longing?

How long can I keep waiting?

Longing for all, screaming!!!

Longing, it is hurting.

Longing...

Everything-Wrong...

Bad day happens to everyone, it just did for me.
I was given a choice not to come to London - however, the management always has "ThEiR reasons" to reject my swapS for duties. My transport was late, causing me to rush for the initial briefing. Nevermind, I checked who I was going to work with, and great 6th sense told me, "OH-OH...", of course, I was proven right from the very beginning! Colleagues make the environment or destroy it. Arghhh. That was not all. The people I had to deal with were unreasonable and unhappy due to mishandling from other departments. Some requests were not within my control! Of course, I could understand some must be drained from the hours of travelling, others with little ones must be dry on energy. However, there should always be respect and mannerism plus social ettiquette. Arghhh. I was amazed by how some people can ask for favours as if they were giving instructions or commands! This and that, now, now and now! Best of all, no thank you at the end of it all.
I was super duper-est patient and smiled till the end, telling myself, it's just a job. Looked forward to rest well in the hotel as I arrived into London. Guess what? Made to wait was ok. However, request for a S-room was rejected with attitude from a rude receptionist! I was so near to bursting all my anger kept from beginning of the day. Came into the room, saw that big sign, "NS-room, recovery fee of 150 euros will be charged for S-ing in the room."
What did I do? A lousy and bad day at work plus a NS-room? I seek peace in the CR. However, it is so irritating, I have to space out the timing of my need!
Oh why, oh why, everything went wrong, so so not in place!!!
I need to find peace in the CR again after this. I cannot believe this! I so want to cry!

One never left me

My world - filled with emotions and events.

Some proud to mention, others nots.

Some unforgiving, others stay in memories.

A world I have been sharing with many others.

Some left, others stay for years.

One never left me, even when I ran and hid with tears.

Events that pushed, pulled, changed and built me.

All became and becoming a part of me.

My loves motivated, encouraged and supported me.

All hoped and hoping the growth in me.

One never left me, even when growth stopped within me.

The worries caused seems endless.

The support given is endless.

The love that envelopes it all - speechless.

One never left me - priceless.

Reality Bites

Back once again to the place I call Sandland. Reality biting hard. My rewards back home left me unwilling to turn to reality. My loves back home make it most difficult to say goodbye.

The number of people I met I kind of lost count. From those that I see once a year, to those I met for the first time - welcome to the family! Time flies real and fast as we gather as a family. The growth of the children is the best evidence of how a year has gone by. The elderly aged gracefully but repeating the same old questions each time I see them - guess their hopes for me are still hanging high. This time, I really don't know how to answer them. I don't see myself getting attach in anyway and anytime soon. All I can use as excuse is - I have no time, met no one of good qualities.

The gatherings I had, mostly parties - full of drama - highs and lows. Seeing the friends I heart moving on fine, puts my mind to some ease.

Now back to work and reality, clinging on to the will power of better health, diet and lifestyle.
Miss lonely Bibi - ouch, reality bites!

True Truth

Truth hurts at times. True truth cuts even deeper and stay in minds.

Baggages of the past brought to present. Not being kind to the living present.

Acceptance of truth taken bitter. Is there a way to see it better?

Bitterness from learning the truth, a blessing in disguise of the ruth.

Rejection is tough to accept. Isn't that better than a future eject?

True truth tells tales. True truth brings out hidden tales.

No matter how perfect, the fall under the unbearable impact.

Maturity to handle, mindset cannot be in that bundle.

World of different people, there is no uniform liking for maple.

When can one understand, the mind of a different scan?

True truth is always out there. Time will do the declare.

Just like the character of one, time is taken to know the one.

True truth a challenge to face, it is a matter of pace.

Just like the track events, pace is somewhat the crucial vents.

True truth - to face - to pace - or to replace?

Seychelles

Seychelles - A beautiful place just to relax and chase your stress away. Highly recommended for those who love nothing but the beach. Away from the busy city life, simplicity takes place.
I arrived in the afternoon and having only about 8 hours there, I headed out on the beach just to snap a few shots before the night falls.
The sky - A piece of open art hanging up there. Fluffy clouds as if they were all smiling at me. The sand - Soft and cold sand which cheered my feet up! I am sure if I had more time, I will spend time laying down for a closer conversation with it.
The sea - Different shades of blue, yes, blue! The waters is clear and as waves washed onto the shore and away, it kind of took some of my thoughts away! The combination of the sky, sand and sea took my breath away, wishing I could spend more time there with someone close. How about a group getaway? Or even a romantic time for a few days?
As time clicked fast, I had my dinner and an advice to all, have seafood when you are at such places! No regrets! Of course, I cannot say it was fantastic. The lifestyle of the people there, slow, stress free and carefree! What came as a big surprise was that the resort kept tortoises that enormous - they look more like dinosaurs to me. Seeing the few slow moving ones in their compound slowed time down a little too.
I left the place at night, a part of me longed for Seychelles more. Finally, the long yearned to see and be at - Seychelles....