It's Only Pain and I

Been a long while since I pen my emotions and thoughts.
Was pretty lost with my own world till now and with all the odds.
I left myself at that moment in time,
still wondering why and how I swallowed and did it.
That silence which I knew was it.
The shadow I missed and am still missing.
The unknowns left in the air that left me with nothing.
The simplicity of people to people now on a compilation of complications.
Isn't it in the hands of ours to just work things out with considerations?
No matter how I try to piece the puzzle, I see a finger pointing at me.
As if all else had failed because it was me that led it to be.
No matter how I try to breathe, that air seemed to be polluted.
Negatives glued in and kept me through threatened.
Everything in my dailies, screens and world is misunderstood.
I seek for an instrument to be understood.
Went sinking into the past,
The future with no blast.
The feeling in my soul no longer brighter than sunshine.
They say the light in my path will be soon in the shine.
Let the rain fall, I got that feeling stuck in my soul.
That sudden rush of tears and everything else a foul.
The beginning was a start that I thought will be a destination.
Now my dreams dashed with that one sentence to resignation.
The colours painted erased upon disbelief.
Not for me, probably for the other's relief.
I found myself so far off from where I saw my way.
I have to shut that path down and go through sway.
No more waiting then there will not be aching.
There is nothing more for me to keep me beating.
I looked at the different corner created,
That magical moment that keep me saned.
Was that not what we treasured?
The fears of being used.
I don't dare anymore, the present feeling of being used,
With lots more and confused.
The little faith now into thin air.
Was there a good enough try and fair?
I have been trying to fill up my days,
There is no room in my heart with rays.
I cried for angels,
Hoping to see eagles.
I can't help myself, how does it feel?
I am touched with friends who feel.
I am down on the floor,
Where I was before.
We been so far and flying high,
Now to see it gone, with a big sigh.
I am here, it's only pain.
I have to start again.
It struck me with decisions I cannot make.
Though I know I am at stake.
It does not matter, I am on my own.
Just in line in lost town.
I don't know the girl I used to be.
I don't know if I know me.
I am far away from home,
To recognise what's not alone.
In my shoes,
It's impossible to choose.
I wonder if I can learn to crawl,
To make a come back with no scars of fall.
I had enough and I am thinking of the words,
The done, finished past, broken swords.
Where do I,
What can I,
Why am I,
Who am I?

Blank

Have you experienced a blank that is never ever filled. No matter how you try replacing with different things, it just does not fit right for that blank.
Sounds like a missing piece of puzzle right in the centre of a beautiful beach scenery. We can try to make that missing piece from something else and colour it as close to the original. Then again, the puzzle will not turn out to be real and that piece is just not it. Or we can choose to get a new set and the original piece. Some of us may choose to just piece up yet another puzzle. Different alternatives and choices.
That blank I experience is something I cannot describe totally...

A blank to fill,

With many of my dreams yet to be fulfilled.

Shivers experienced. Thoughts wondered.

Nothing seems to be living. Asking for reasons, wishing for that understanding.

I seek to be understood, not to be use as an instrument as I stood.You started building the world for us indeed, yet not being in it. The struggles were not meant for just I but us.There are changes I did, not to question why for us. I thought it was a growth and went forth. You say to learn to trust you, I did all I could to start learning you as you. Trust is earned and it comes with time. But when not given support over time, I tend to fall back and seek for support. I cannot help but wanted you to assure that I am your port. I reacted but not the way you deemed I did. You hated to be questioned indeed. Then that was the only way I can know you. We used the QnA, when we first learned about each other. Then it became more of my rumblings and just another. It became interrogations to you all of a sudden instead of converstaions. You stalled there as moments we share pass by, I did not start to realise it will be gone by.

The efforts we both took to close the distance did not come at instant.

I seem so lost the last we met and spoke.

The power is not mine.

I don't know you nor myself.

They say,

There is so much I can take.

I just got to let it go.

Who knows I might feel better.

If I don't try and hope.

The rain cannot be stopped.

I just can't go on without.

What can I say or change to make you feel this. What can I do to make you care. What can I do to get you there.

All these to become a blank and be left on the plank.

Let these sail to somewhere far from here.

The next beginning will come in timing.